When does no contact start working? Everything you need to know about quitting your ex cold turkey…and making them run right back to you
Being broken up with by your girlfriend or boyfriend, especially when you least expect it, can feel like your life is falling apart. At best you may feel as though it’s a small tragedy that you’ll get over. At worst you may feel like your heart is breaking and you will never feel better again. The truth is, while breakups hurt, you don’t have to accept the hurt without doing anything. The no contact rule lets you take back the power over the person who broke up with you, make them miss you, and eventually force them to get back in touch. So does no contact work? And how long will it take until your ex misses you so much that they reach out? Let’s find out!
What is no contact? The 30 day rule after breakup
The no contact rule is very simple, you are essentially creating a void between you and your ex. This means you stop texting, you stop calling each other, of course you stop seeing each other in real life. It also means no emails, no interacting with their social media posts, no sending them funny pictures that you find or commenting on their friend’s picture in which they appear. At the very least, the no contact rule requires that you keep radio silence for 30 days after the breakup. Depending on your situation, that void might have to extent for a few more weeks or months.
The goal of no contact is to give you the power of silence after break up. Your ex made the decision to break up with you. They were the one with the power to choose, and to make a decision that would affect both of your lives. No contact is a way of making them go through what they did to you. It is saying “if breaking up is really what you want, then I’m going to break up with you, too”, and you do this by stopping any interaction with them cold turkey.
This will quickly make them realize that the breakup is a little different from what they expected. They might have thought you would crawl, begging for them to take you back. They may have already pictured refusing you time and again, still flattered by your attempts to make them change their mind. They certainly weren’t expecting you to be seemingly okay with the breakup, and cease all contact with a 30 day no contact rule. This plays with their expectations, leading to emotions they were not expecting, and this is where the no contact rule really works.
When does no contact start working after a breakup?
Let’s be honest, there are some cases in which no contact won’t work. If your ex left you for someone that they are madly in love with, or if you treated them so badly that their friends and family are now against you too, no contact will likely not work.
But in the overwhelming majority of cases, you will be able to get a reaction from your ex. They will start missing you. They will start recalling all the positive aspects of your relationship and wondering whether they made a mistake. They might not reach out straight away but still, the seed which you planted is there.
The great thing about no contact is that it makes you a winner whether your ex reaches out or not. In the best case scenario, your ex starts to miss you so much they beg you to take them back. You now have the upper hand in the relationship, and are free to decide whether you actually want them back. In the worst case scenario, your ex maintains radio silence. Now, while this may sound bad, is it still not better than begging for them to take you back? Not only will keeping in contact with your ex after a breakup make it harder for you to get over them, it also makes you unattractive to them and those around. Asking someone who broke up with you to take you back is an act of desperation. It sends the message: I am willing to be with someone who doesn’t want me. I am willing to settle for something less than love. And this makes you lesser in their eyes.
In conclusion, no contact usually works. And even in cases where it doesn’t work, it lets you keep the upper hand and, more importantly, your dignity. Think about it, even if your ex doesn’t beg to have you back, they will still be impressed by the aura of mystery that you create by maintaining radio silence over the period of no contact.
What is your ex like?
So will no contact work in your particular case? One thing you have to ask yourself is what your ex is like. Is she an impulsive girl? Is he a patient guy? In general, no contact works best on people who tend to act on impulse, and on those with little patience. Because the truth is, during no contact with your ex, they will start to miss you no matter what. What they do with that feeling is dependent on their personality. If you were dating an incredibly stubborn person, it might take months before your ex gives in and reaches out. With another personality type, it might be a matter of days. So get in your ex’s head: what are they like? How long are they likely to be able to delay the gratification of getting back in touch with you?
Why is my ex not texting me?
The truth is, there is no real way to know what your ex is thinking. They might not be texting you because they want to prove to themselves that they can live without you. Or because they are afraid to admit to themselves they made the wrong choice in breaking up with you. Just remember: the fact that they are not texting doesn’t mean they don’t care. Chances are, they miss you already but are just not ready to make the next step which is getting back in touch.
Does my ex miss me?
After 30 days of no contact, you may be asking yourself: “does he miss me during no contact?” Is this actually working? While you can never know for sure that your ex is missing you, there are a few signs that don’t lie. If your ex is asking about you to mutual friends, this is a first sign. If you run into them “by accident”, it may be another. Generally though, try not to obsess about whether your ex is thinking of you. That kind of thought pattern actually makes you feel weaker, and might make you more likely to break your own, self-imposed no contact rule.
What if my ex got into a new relationship?
If your ex got into a rebound relationship after your breakup, you may be thinking you’ve lost all your chances of making no contact work. Not so. A rebound relationship is, by definition, not as solid or genuine as the relationship that you and your ex shared. Chances are, they only entered that relationship to make you jealous. Now it’s your turn to play. Show that you are jealous and you will come across as a real loser. Show you don’t care by maintaining your no contact rule, and you come up on top. Eventually, your ex will get tired of the other person they started seeing. Attracted by the mystery that you’ve created around yourself by going radio silence, they will (probably) try to get in contact with you again.
Should I call my ex?
After a few weeks or months of going no contact with ex, you may feel like you’ve lost. They’ve had time to make a move and they haven’t. So should you risk it all and call them first? Well, let’s take a second and analyze the situation. If your ex is notoriously stubborn and you have only been doing no contact for a month or two, wait it out. They will probably come around. Now, if you have an impulsive ex who is not getting back in touch after 3 months or more, it’s time to act. At that point, you have nothing to lose so you might as well text them or call to ask how they are doing. Keep it casual, present yourself in a positive light, and never, NEVER beg for them to take you back. What you are trying to achieve with that phone call is to make them miss you even more, so that they’ll eventually be the one asking to see you again.
So when will no contact start working? Give it time, it’s different for everyone. The one thing that you need to remember is that refusing to contact your ex for a period of time is the best thing you can do, whether or not they reach out to you. So be patient, be strong, and be proud of yourself for acting with dignity. After all, partners come and go, but your relationship with yourself is what has to be maintained over a lifetime. You’ve got this!
Do you need help with your ex? Contact us for one-on-one coaching or check out this online course The No Contact Contract.
How long does it take for an ex to miss you with no contact? ›
In fact, based on our research you can expect the average ex to begin missing you anywhere between 2.5 to 5.2 months after a breakup assuming you put forth signals that you are “moving on from them.” We're going show you how we came to this conclusion by drawing on our knowledge on, Attachment Styles.When To Know If no contact is working? ›
If the messages they're sending you change from sweet to angry, you'll know that the no contact rule is really working. When they still can't get ahold of you, they'll probably realize that you're not going to come around, and they'll get sad about what they've lost.What is the hardest day of no contact? ›
What Is The Hardest Day Of No Contact? Immediately after you start it. Limited no contact breaks. The day/s where you aren't hearing from them.What are the stages of no contact? ›
These stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We don't necessarily go through them in any specific order, and we don't graduate from one before we move on to the other and never look back.Is 2 weeks no contact enough? ›
For an amicable breakup: around 30 days.
Roughly 4 weeks of time alone should be enough to get back into the normal rhythm of the single life. It might feel messy and strange at first, but after 30 days you may find yourself feeling much better. While 30 days is a good rule of thumb, everybody is different.
The no-contact rule refers to cutting off all contact with an ex following a breakup, and it's the best method for moving on from an ex. No contact should last for a minimum of 60 days, and it includes no texting, no calling, and no interacting on social media.Does no contact make them miss you more? ›
Use the no contact rule
Does no contact make him miss you? Yes! One of the best ways to use silence after a breakup is to cut off all means of communication. That includes going silent on social media after a breakup.
He could feel angry or upset. He might think you're being rude or fake, and may even try to confront you about it or get a rebound girlfriend in response. Anger usually gives way to remorse after a few days or weeks and is a normal response to breakups or the silent treatment.Will no contact make her miss me? ›
Just doing no contact should be enough to get her to miss you. After all, it increases your absence to about 90% and even a little bit of stimulus will make her start missing you. Everything you do during no contact should be aimed at increasing your absence in her life.What no contact does to a man? ›
The male mind during no contact
The no-contact rule male psychology forces him to recognize his loneliness. After a breakup, if you stop contacting him, he will feel free and enjoy this phase as much as he can. But, with time, the loneliness and guilt pang will start to kick in.
How long does it take a guy to realize he misses you? ›
So, a few weeks to two months is the answer to the question, “How long does it take for a guy to miss you?” Typically, men realize what they lost when they can't find a woman with their personality. By then, they learn not all women are the same, and they shouldn't have broken off the relationship.How do you stay strong during no contact? ›
- Write a letter to yourself. ...
- Give yourself room to grieve. ...
- Make a list of every terrible thing your partner ever did. ...
- Start a self-care list. ...
- Have a breakup buddy. ...
- Work on yourself. ...
- Start a new hobby. ...
- Give yourself some structure.
In general, no contact works best on people who tend to act on impulse, and on those with little patience. Because the truth is, during no contact with your ex, they will start to miss you no matter what. What they do with that feeling is dependent on their personality.How long does it usually take an ex to contact you? ›
Without any prompting, expect to hear from your ex any time between 8 and 75 days. There is almost always the intent and desire to reach out to your ex.How long does it take to completely forget your ex? ›
When looking at the timeline of breakups, many sites refer to a “study” that's actually a consumer poll a market research company conducted on behalf of Yelp. The poll's results suggest it takes an average of about 3.5 months to heal, while recovering after divorce might take closer to 1.5 years, if not longer.Does no contact actually work to get ex back? ›
Some people may be asking, “Does No Contact work?”. While everyone's ex is different, the No Contact Rule does increase the likelihood of your ex missing you and wanting to come back. In essence, it will show them that you are not available for them whenever they want you and that you have your own life to live.